Pain is the best motivation. So, i guess this bad night will make a good morning workout.
You can always come out on top, but always remember,
My roots are deeper,
My branches farther… longer… wider
And my leaves, all in different shades…
Maybe it’s God’s way of saying ‘Not yet, not this time.’
How i wish you understand the pressure i was in today. Having both surgery and pedia osce for today. Somewhere i should excel in or at least not get the attention of the doctors in a negative way. The cram and the undeniable feeling of failure and embarrassment i was dreading since yesterday. The feeling of also your friends not replying to your queries is also distressing. It all just consumed me, mentally, physically and emotionally. Though it is something i cannot escape nor delay, i summed up everything i had to this day.
I always thought that you would understand me best through the disappointments that i experienced today and probably for the rest of the years i have in med, but you didn’t. I was disappointed in myself for stupid answers and lack of better judgement. Not to you or to anyone else (except for dra who took up my time in the pedia reflexes thus, leaving me a 0).
Please keep in mind that there are still more years to come where i might ultimately be frustrated in medicine or the performance and grades ill get. Though our differences in perspective is helpful, you being lax and i, being uptight or perfectionist as to what you said, but also at times bad if it cant be handled rightfully.
First time how i just sat in my car after getting home and sloughing in it where it felt good not to move in spite of having 2 more exams tomorrow. A hot shower and a i just want to throw in the towel and lay down my bed for the rest of the day. Im just too tired. It might be different for you or for me or to anyone else but I’m just drained.
How i wish you did.
How i want to hurt somebody right now.
If to love is to risk, then let love be measured by risk, not by how comfortable you are.